Sundown

The sun has gone down. I feel hopeless -- about everything. One day, I wake up finding myself not wanting to wake up. I refuse to face reality because it is too damn exhausting. Problems everywhere. I look in the mirror and I see a girl who dreams. But only dreams. I seldom go outside. But when I do, I look at these people and in their stale, hopeful eyes, all I see are struggles. I respect these people so much. I look at them and think to myself how remarkable they are for never wanting to stop trying, for moving forward despite wanting to stop trying, and for finding the little joys in a maze made of 'stop trying'. I look at them and hope to become like them. I hope even though I know I would never be like them.

I have already accepted the cruel and sad fate humans are bound to face. The road that is never straight. The ladder that never does not wiggle. The gold that never not fades. It is a continuous struggle of absentmindedly searching for the supposed missing things. An endless battle for affection and attention. A never-ending thirst for contentment. Always wanting. Never settling. Always changing.

There is nothing permanent. Sadness is not forever. But it comes back. Same as how happiness comes and go. Like sprinkles on top of an ice cream, the apple in a pie, and an Oreo to dip in a glass of milk -- happiness is attainable, but is always temporary. It goes. Striving every minute to live for very little and short moments of inexplicable euphoria. Is it worth it?

I heard a sturdy voice shouting from afar. I'm thinking aloud again. I close my eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

She looked worried. But more curious. I did not want to answer but I replied anyway, though with hesitation, "I think so. I don't know. I cannot tell. Does not knowing if one's okay or not makes them not okay?"

She responded too quickly almost like she knew what I was going to say, "I think so. I don't know. I'm not sure. Do you want to do something then?"

I paused briefly. Slouched a bit more than usual. My face was steady, not even grimacing. My eyes with blank stares. Words came out of my mouth softer than I expected they would, "I'm just tired."

Her condescending tone seemed to have disappeared. Or maybe, this was her usual self, not caring anymore. Though she was not baffled, she looked away and only made a frown.

I did not know how to end the conversation I did not even want to start. I sported a smile. She waved goodbye.

I open my eyes. Then she was gone.

Somehow, I feel like I think the way I think to escape all my fears and justify all my weaknesses. Because, god, how ideal it is to be to be judged when you are sick than to be judged when you are simply sad. How a lot easier it is to keep running than to be still and let all the darkness sink in. So I went home. Badly wishing to fall asleep unknowingly.

(artwork by witchoria)

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Utopia // Dystopia

When you do not understand what the actions of a person who used to be really close to you imply, you might actually develop more anger than confusion. Especially when you know you are in the right (or when you think you are). Besides, in every debate, discussion or argument of sort, trying to impose or make the other party understand your point rather, will always be too difficult. But let us not go that far even if a simple misunderstanding could also lead to several awful outcomes.

Contradicting beliefs, opinions, principles -- It is inevitable because we live in different places; are raise in different households; affected by different scenarios; and are simply different human beings despite looking alike. But that does not mean we would not get along. In reality, perhaps, not all of us. But some of us, surely, still would. Hopefully, we would find people or a person who would eventually share the same views as we do.

On the other hand, it is still possible to have conflicts even with the people whom you thought possess, if not a similar mindset, at least stand on a likewise platform that you do. And that is just simply more agitating. You try to speak your mind. You turn into the silent treatment. You try to be submissive. You pretend not to care. Until you have tried all the feasible solutions you can probably think of. But then, nothing. It starts to become exhausting, tiring, and pointless. Maybe, sometimes, we just need to accept divergence, appreciate the good and learn acceptance more. Unless, the other person's actions have caused greater harm to other people. Of course, they vary on a case by case basis. But you know, maybe. Then we'll come up with a system or an understanding that would gain and maintain harmony despite our differences. Just maybe.

photo: focus fail-ing in tagaytay // Sony A300 (c)

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Just Then

Do you still remember the movies you grew up with? Watching Now and Then (1995) sure did help me remember. Although I was not able to see it (Now and Then) back in the days, but the actors in it brought me quite the nostalgia (Oh, sweet childhood.). Particularly, Christina Ricci and Devon Sawa (in that context, if you are a nineties baby).

Ricci is still very famous today. But Devon Sawa is not in the limelight as much as he used to be back in the nineties (he still has movies, as well as television series, but you get what I mean) So if his name still does not ring a bell yet (or if you haven't googled him yet), maybe this photo (along with its very well-known line) will:

It's a still from the movie, Casper (1995). Sawa played the real-life boy, Casper. Despite having only about five minutes of screen time, it was his career's big break. I assure, most kids (or most girls) my age would still remember that scene. Aside from Casper, I also swooned over fetus Sawa in Little Giants (1994). And getting to watch his fetus self again (and sharing a scene with Ricci) in Now and Then further take me down the memory lane. How about we savor and appreciate that magical moment again (because I miss childhood and fetus Sawa)?



Anyway, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids (1989) and its sequel Honey, I Blew Up The Kid (1992), Home Alone (1990), Richie Rich (1994), The Santa Clause (1994), The Little Rascals (1994), and Space Jam (1996) are just among the several nineties films that kind of bring me sudden wistfulness.

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