Progression

The road to success is very far. From where I stand. I don’t even know which road leads to one. It’s hard to tell at this point of my life, at this age, in this place. How do you even define success? When you have more riches than rags? When you can buy things most people can’t? I guess money is the first thing that comes to mind. Perhaps, we can say success is financial stability for you, and for all the generations of your blood line to come. How amazing it is to think that the next children in your family will have all the privilege in the world if you become financially stable today. That’s the dream, isn’t it? That is if you disregard self-contentment or happiness. Although, all these things are vast subjects impossible to discuss with only 500 words. Feelings of sadness, discontentment, and dissatisfaction are intertwined—connected by several factors inside and outside our human brains and bodies.

I have been filled with so much discontent lately; actually, for as long as I can remember. I know I’ve been happy, and have been lucky enough to have a stable enough life, but I’ve been struggling for years—with my life, with my mental health. I’m not sick or anything, but like everyone else, I have battles in my head that only I can hear and feel. Sometimes, I feel like it's gone worse and I cannot seem to function to complete even the most basic, most essential tasks of my day. Sometimes, it gets so bad I impulsively quit things, run away from responsibilities, disregard consequences, and totally shut myself out. Shut myself out, not down. But that would have been nice. If only we can shut ourselves down for a week, a day or two, to recharge our brains and regain control. But that’s never an option. We always have to wait until it gets so bad we cannot hardly recover. It becomes more and more difficult every time. It leaves a little less of you every time. The problem is me. But no matter how many times I wind up in the hole I dug myself, I always end up defeated. The bad voices in my head keep blocking the tiny light that's trying to get in.

But today, I choose differently. I don't have much—still not enough drive and optimism to create plans—but I have enough. For the record, there is still that voice that says, “You are only good today, your selfish, self-saboteur ass will still be up to no good tomorrow.” But I’m fighting it. I’m fighting it just by believing I’m going to make it. I’m going to make it because I’m making plans. I’m making plans means I’m trying to focus on what I can do, and not what I can't do. Today, I decide to act, to do, and to move. Today, I decide not to let my demons pull me down. I’m not sure about tomorrow. But today, at least, I'm doing something.

(c)